Lately, I got to thinking about how we treat our elders. You think about it…how do you treat your elders? I remember when my Granny moved in with us when I was still in High School. I remember not really understanding what she was talking about, but just smiling and nodding to make her feel like I was listening and that she was still a viable part of society. I also remember her telling me stories about her young life. She would regale me with stories of barn raisings, riding mules across the river and taking a ride on a buckboard into Nashville, TN – which was several hours from her home in the hills and hollers. How could I completely disregard the fact that she lived all of that…she was a mother, a farmers wife, a quilter, an Avon representative and who knows what else…She lived through the Great Depression, but when she talked to me – I thought I was superior. I was also none too respectful to my father at times either…many regrets there, but regrets are a waste of time.
Now that I am a mother…am I going to teach my son to smile and nod or to respect his elders? The definition of “respect” according to Webster is: “2. an act of giving particular attention: consideration 3.a. high or special regard: esteem b. the quality or state of being esteemed. I remember being “told” to respect my elders, but I don’t remember being taught or was I? According to that definition it could be the same thing right? Maybe we need a new word… How about “revere: to show deferential devoted honor to: regard as worthy of great honor”.
In my parents’ day, what they taught us as “respect” was actually self preservation. I don’t know how it is in other families, but my Grandparents could be pretty scary! You really didn’t want to run a foul of their good side on purpose, let alone on accident. Therefore, we were constantly vigilant not to do or say the wrong then and incur their wrath. However, it was their home and it was their rules and I learned how to “go along” to “get along”.
I think the reason that I am realizing the difference now is because my parents can now be considered “elders”. My Mother is the Matriarch of her family and my Father is the Patriarch of his side of the family. They now have many grandkids of their own. I do not see them as “elderly”, I think because I knew them when they were young…however, my son will always see my parents as “elderly” and how do I get him to treat them with respect as well as regard them with respect?
This leads me to my next topic, empathy. The definition of empathy is: “2. the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to; and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts and experience of another either past or present without having the feelings, thoughts and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner”. I think in order to respect our elders, we must first master the art of empathy. While I do not believe that we are only the sum of our thoughts, emotions and experiences – they shape us tremendously and are a big clue into who we are, how we think and what we do.
I think that in order to really respect your elders, you must first empathize by listening more than you talk, listening to their experiences… were they in a war; where are they from; what was their childhood like? How do they feel about politics; new gadgets/technology; their lives now; how things have changed in their lifetimes? If you know these things, then it will be much easier to “respect your elders” when they go off on a tirade about the mud on their heirloom Persian rug that was handed down from generation to generation, when all you see is a worn out, threadbare, faded rug that you couldn’t possibly hurt with a little mud… In my mind, respect in this situation would be to apologize profusely and vow to never do it again, while helping to clean it up in earnest. However, empathy would have NEVER let you get mud on the rug in the first place!
Still not sure how to teach my son these lessons, but plan to try my darnedest!
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